I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
