We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
It's official drugs can't kill me
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
