btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
