would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
