i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
