My friends, they love my intelligence
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
