My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Randomize
