cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
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I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
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All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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