Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
