I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
