Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
