I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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