I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
