Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize
