I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
