I think I died a long time ago.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Randomize
