So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
