I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I am mentally ready for anal.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
