first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Randomize
