i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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