Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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