i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
