I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
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