I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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