I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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