I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
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Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
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After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.