I faked an abortion last night.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
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After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
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Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that