my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
How does one acquire holy water?
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
