her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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