so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Randomize
