is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Randomize
