moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
