the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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