I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
