Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
