My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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