Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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