Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
i think i have two assholes
I wish life had little blips of pornography
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
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