either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
