God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
