Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I supernannyed him into submission
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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