Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
So here I am, sexting at work.
So. Much. Porn.
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