i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
