My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
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