Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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