Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
