Just fell off a train. Bad.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
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