He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Randomize