There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
