Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
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