dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
