She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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