I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
