Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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