You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
