can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Randomize
