also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I have aggressive nipples.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Randomize
