My hair reeks of homosexuality.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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