It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
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