Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
