I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
