im having a threesome with these popsicles
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
