i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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